SCANNED TEARS

As much as I wish I could be happy to hear from you…

Its a horrible feeling and i remember when your tears were scanned and i also remember going to the _____ exhibit with you.

You must have known ___ by then? I remember you mentioning how you knew ____ from back in the day as well?…

Can it be true, we never shared the same love for one another?

Why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you refer to me as a baker girl you choose out of the masses of baker girls?

Mostly I wonder when did you begin to hate me? Would you explain how your relationship was to me?

How long was it after we met that I became no more than an object?

After a while i can imagine the entire relationship becoming an irritating aftermath once you realized I’d soon meet your family.

After this boring reality maybe you began adjusting things in order to withstand the banality of our “love”?

You seemed sure that if I ever left you nothing we did together would hold any attachment to me. Was this out of despair or hatred?

Once we were no longer together and with no recommendation even my closest friends became distant upon our seperation.

I practiced a loyalty when it came to your friends or colleagues.

So much time has passed over the years i questioned the loyalty within your relationships and I’d oftentimes find myself distraught in regards to how people would write you off since you were struggling, apparently, with sanity.

I was really worried about you. Later I found out it was all just a lie and you were in LA with ____ partying and not barefoot in the west village digging through garbage cans. I don’t know what to believe.

What was the point _____? Why did your friends tell me such awful stories of how you were struggling? Why did everyone express, after informing me how your life went to hell, that you were placing the blame on me?

Not that it matters but when you came home with a tattoo of an _ on your face after we had broken up and you told me you got it because your ex told you to get __ tattooed on your face this was when I ended the relationship.

I wonder if you plotted the presentation of an “_”on your cheek only to explain that your tattoo had no relationship to myself? I wonder if you knew how much this would hurt me and continue to damage my character as you inform others we’re no longer together?

Sometimes I felt less than human in your eyes. By the time I realized your intentions where only for yourself I noticed the adoption of a disgustingly wholesome, politeness of servitude in my behaviour.

You encouraged me to not be myself so often. Eventually i was found numb adorned with an appliqué of how I was to be when we were together.

No one could take me seriously especially since I believed acting as you wished was well advised.

I became an even further outsider as soon as I welcomed our guests into our home. It wasnt my home and it wasn’t my company, but at the time i believed they were.

I noticed how you were getting paid for jobs and telling me otherwise. This is when we stopped working together and I wished for us to focus a bit on our relationship.

Breaking out of the confines of our routine to find a job that would seem to impact the growing debt including the foolishly acquired tuition for art school ill advised until too late. I kept on with no advice and I soon enough was lost.

By this time my behavior became unrecognizable until I couldn’t handle being told what to think and how to behave.

I felt cheap in a different way.

Even more so than the usual crass way I’ve lived or the stupidity of spending time in my garden of herbs and exhibiting this air of wholesomeness.

To deal with these sorrows I gave up on everything. It was a gradual decline and i reached the bottom in ____ ____.

And at this time I met ______, who perfectly expressed understanding of the repressed libertine. ____ was so encouraging until I found myself inside another repetition completely uprooted and disgraced.

So I am afraid of you and what I don’t know about you.

I wish there was some way you could convince me I’m completely wrong.

I mean there must have been moments when I wasn’t the only happy one?

Besides your enjoyment of seeing me jump through hoops.

Weren’t we in love once?

I thought we’d love each other forever but now I’m unsure of the very idea of love.

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